i try

to not let things get me down.
i try to be happy.
but it's unbelievably hard for me to maintain my happiness.
one little thing can just make me crash.
i can be fine...then when something goes wrong everything else does.
i make crazy decisions that don't make any sense.
and i doubt everything.

i just feel so sad all the time.
i don't want to think about sad things, so i suppress them until its necessary to bring them up.
i cry every single day.
when someone tells me, "you'll do great in college!" "you'll make it really far!" "i believe in you!"
and they aren't just saying it because they see me upset and want to encourage me...it's when they say it just because...because they have no idea what my life is like...but they still say it.
you know? like when you're upset and people try to comfort you...it doesn't mean as much as when someone says it because they actually feel that way.
when people are upset, i say whatever i can to make them feel better...even if i don't feel that way 100%. i really do doubt my own intelligence...and the past few days have revealed my full potential.
but i still feel like giving up.
i still feel like dying.
over and over again.
i feel like it's too hard.

people ask me what's wrong...and i just respond with, "i'm sad."
there's not a specific reason to why i am sad...it's just because...i'm sad.
i feel sad. i'm not mad. or upset. or frustrated...i'm just sad.
i'm sad all the time. i've struggled with this problem for so long...
i can't help others until i help myself.
but nothing goes my way...i'm just too sad.

i want to smile. i want to be happy.
i want to give up. i want to stop trying.
i want to sleep forever.
i want to fast forward through the next 10 years of my life.
i don't want to live it because i will always be sad.
every night i go to sleep and pray to God that i will wake up happy.
and His word's calm me down...and reassure me that life will be okay.
but i wake up and i'm still sad.

i try

neglecting.

i've really been neglecting this blog.

elections are over.
i am so thankful for the people who wore my shirt everyday and helped me put up my fliers.
that support took me to the top.
i finally have a chance to make a difference in our school...
i love this school so much...and i've made it to the top...
i don't really believe it to be honest...
freshman year...i remember thinking about senate...but i thought "maybe next year..."
then sophomore year..."maybe next year..." but i never thought i would actually do it...it was too much of a risk.
at the end of sophomore year, i decided to try out.
and i made it.
junior year...i was satisfied with spirit...
but then i changed my mind.
and i tried out...and i made it... (:
i can't even believe it...i never thought i would be here...i never thought that i would be in executive council.
the same people that i admired...even though i didn't know their names...or what they really did...or who they even were...i'm in the same boat...i'm up there with them.
can you even imagine? for people like dorothy and josie...they have been waiting for this since freshman year. they expected this...they deserve it. but me? i just took another risk. and it was totally worth it.
all the changes i want made...i can do them...i can do so much...it's finally ME interviewing people...it's finally ME making the big decisions...it's finally ME being the leader.
i'm so happy.


i pray to God that i don't mess this up.
that i stay optimistic.
that i do what is good for the school, and not nescessarily myself.
that i listen to other's opinions.
because i can PLAN, EXECUTE, and DELIVER.